A Day From Hell

I weighed myself this morning. I gained 2.2 lbs. Yes, it sucks, but I sucked last week and prepared myself for suckiness on the scale. Last night I was pumped to start the week. I was ready to be excited about eating healthy again and ready to start exercising again. Before you start shaking your finger at me, I'll tell you that I have been counting today. Everything.

That being said, today has been hell. My 2 1/2 year old son hasn't been sleeping very well. I'll write about the events leading up to that eventually. But we recently started him on Melatonin to help him sleep at night. He hasn't slept all night in over a week. I actually couldn't tell you the last time he slept all night. But last night was by far the worst night he's ever had. Even when he was a newborn. He was wide awake at 1am ready to go downstairs. He came into my bedroom and said, "Nice nap?" Which is what he says whenever he wakes up. I went into his room and layed down with him to try to get him back to sleep. I failed. Every time he would fall asleep, it wasn't a deep sleep. He'd start talking or fidgeting in his sleep and wake up when I got up to go back to my own room. I tried for 2 hours. So next it was my husband's turn. He tried for 2 hours. Finally, at 6am I just got up. Changed his diaper, put his clothes on, and drug my exhausted behind downstairs to give him breakfast.

His "terrible two" stage has been in full force for a few weeks, and I was not in the mood for it this morning. He asked for Cheerios, so I started to pour some. Then he started screaming, "NOOOOO I want Kix!!!!!" So I put the Cheerios away and started to pour the Kix. I set him at the table to eat and he started chowing down. There was a pile of dishes in the sink left from the night before that I started to load in the dishwasher. BIG mistake. Mason ate about half of his cereal and then dumped them on the table. "Dumping" is his new thing. He dumps everything out. If I forget to put a glass of water up out of his reach, he'll dump it out and proudly state, "I dumped." Makes me want to rip my hair out. So he's been in several time outs for this act, and he's got the routine down. When I first started giving him time outs, I'd call him over to me when his time was over, and ask him why he was in time out. If he didn't answer I would tell him. Then he'd apologize and I'd give him a hug. Now I don't even have to ask why he was in time out. He runs over to me and asks, "Why time out?" And so I'll ask, "Why?" And he says, "I dumped." It's so frusterating. So it's not even 7am and Mason's had a time out already. Not a good way to start the day.

The rest of the morning was actually not too bad. We took a shower, got ready to go, and went to Wal Mart to get him darkening curtains for his room. I'll try anything to help him sleep at this point. Then we went to a playdate at the church until 11am. We came home and I gave him a snack and layed him down for a nap. By this time I am constantly sneezing and my nose is running. I realize I have another cold. I just had one about 3 weeks ago! I feel like total crap, and not even able to finish a bowl of soup, I went upstairs to lay down. Did I sleep? Hell no. Thanks to the Fire Dept. across the street who must have left and came back every 15 minutes with their loud ass sirens and engines. And it seemed like every one of our neighbors were mowing their lawns. And then Mason woke up. Cranky like usual. I tried to make him lunch, but he wanted a snack. I gave him a few crackers while I made him some fish sticks and carrots and he was fine until I sat him at the table. He didn't want it. I was in no mood for temper tantrums so I threw it away. After about an hour of fighting, I finally let him have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It seems like all I do is yell at him lately, so I just decided this wasn't worth it anymore and gave him a damn sandwich. We'll work on that later...we have bigger problems!

We went for a drive so I could get a latte. Skim milk, no whip cream, and sugar free, thank you very much. Buutttt....it was my second one of the day. I counted the points for both though. We drove around for a bit just so I could regain some of my sanity and patience. When we got home, I got some dry pasta and measuring cups out for him to play with. That lasted a whole 3 minutes before he started throwing them around the house, locating my glass of water and dumping it out on the floor. Time out #2. We then tried to make pasta art, by gluing them on paper. Again, lasting a whole 3 minutes before throwing them around the living room. After several prompts I got him to help me pick up, and then we tried several other activites. I'm still feeling like crap, wanting to eat everything in the house, but typing this is helping me control myself. I'm going to start dinner now, knowing I'll have to dip into my weekly points, but I don't care. The fact that I managed to count every point today and NOT go into an eating frenzy is pretty monumental for me.

My hubby is on his way home from work, so I'll be going up to my room to rest for a little while so that I can come down and spend time with myfamily without blowing another gasket. :) This day may have been hell, but diet wise it wasn't so bad.

Brush Yourself Off and Try Again

This weekend was an eating free-for-all and I've done some thinking. I think I have been unknowingly sabotoging my success. I do good for a day or two, start to slip, and then allow myself to completely fall on my ass. I go to the store and by Nutella, knowing it's like crack to me. I buy sugary cereal, knowing I'll have more than one bowl. Or I buy full fat creamer knowing that I need alot to actually enjoy the taste of the coffee. So I have decided to set 3 goals for the week. I think I'll set 3 goals each week to keep myself on track. They don't always have to be different goals, either. If I need to work on something longer, I'll continue to keep it as a goal for the next week. So here are my goals for this week:

1. Don't buy cookies, chocolate, brownies, ice cream, and things like that for at least 2-3 weeks. Food is like a drug during the first few weeks to me until my body is used to eating more healthy things, and not junk all the time. So until I can control myself, I'm going to treat myself to sugar free pudding or a 100-calorie pack.
2. Count points more carefully.
3. Exercise at least every other day, if not more often.

I forgot to weigh myself this morning, so tomorrow morning I'll see what the damage is. I won't be discouraged, though. I am prepared for a gain. If I didn't gain, I'll be thrilled.

Almost, But Not Quite

Ready to start the day off right this morning, I had a Fiber One Bar to hold me off until I got to work. We have bagels at work, and I really wanted one! 7 Points for a whole bagel with cream cheese is TOTALLY worth it to me. And instead of stopping off to spend $3-5 on a coffee from Biggby Coffee or McDonald's, I have been experimenting with flavored coffee creamers. I don't like the fat free ones, so I've been using the full fat ones. I don't think the online point calculator figured the points out right, so I think I've been going over my points with the creamer. This means I need to learn how to like the fat free creamers because I use 3-4 Tablespoons of the stuff in my coffee. It can't taste like coffee, you know!

Anyway, I had Healthy Request Chicken Sausage Gumbo Soup for lunch, along with 2 more cups of coffee and 2 glasses of water. I may have over-done it with the coffee, but I definitely got my daily water in by 3 pm. For dinner I had planned to make pizza using the pre-made whole wheat crust, mozzarella cheese, lean ham, and pineapple. I opened the crust, and it was moldy. Crap. Sooo I had leftovers. Beef and noodles I made the other day. THE best roast I have ever made in my life, homemade gravy, and noodles. OMG. Yum! I measured out a small portion, counted the points as best as I could, and even had 8 points left for the night. I planned to pick up a treat for later.

And I did...I got Nutella. Bad idea. I could eat the stuff out of the jar with a spoon. ALL of it. I had a Nutella sammy on whole wheat bread. Ok, so not that bad. 4 points for the Nutella, 3 points for the bread. So I didn't do too bad today....but not being more precise with the points for creamer is still bothering me. I think I need to lay off the coffee, and get out my points slider and figure it out myself for next time. :)

Tomorrow will be even better yet. If I don't show a loss on Sunday, I will be ok with that. Afterall, I didn't do as good as I know I can.

Here We Go Again

Yep, you guessed it. The Weight Watcher's thing. I've been off of it since April, but not doing too bad. I actually lost about 10 pounds over the summer, but I still have alot of weight to lose. I was tired of not losing anymore, so on Monday I signed up for WW Online again. I did awesome on Monday, pretty good on Tuesday, but Wednesday and Today just sucked. Today I actually found myself eating uncontrollably and I didn't know why. I was instantly disgusted with myself and was in a bad mood for the rest of the night. I felt full, fat, and frusterated. I HATE feeling like that. I was short tempered and impatient with Mason, which I hate even more.

After he fell asleep, I said a prayer, and felt a little better. I decided to not allow myself to wallow in self-pity anymore. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will do better. Tomorrow I will not be cranky....even if I am sleep deprived yet again.

Updates

It's been awhile since my last blog, so it's probably best to start with an update.

As of yesterday, I am officially a college graduate!! Well, almost. I graduated yesterday, but I still have exams this week. So to actually get my diploma I have to pass my exams. I don't know why they do that. It's like, ok here's your diploma, but if you don't pass your exams we'll take it back. (Insert evil laugh here). I've been looking for a job without much success. Houghton Lake is not the place to be while looking for a job. Neither is the entire state of Michigan, but at least I'd have a chance in a bigger city. I do, however, have an interview tomorrow afternoon at Firstbank. It's only part time, but that's better than nothing!

In June we are planning to move back to the Lansing area. We'll rent first, and hopefully be able to get a house within a year or so. The biggest reason we're moving is because most of my family lives downstate and my mom lives very close by. I want Mason to be able to get to know his extended family as well. This is pretty much impossible while living up north. 3 hours one way isn't the ideal day trip with a toddler.

As far as my diet goes, well, it was pretty much non-existent for a few months. I tried just eating in moderation for a few weeks. It went pretty well the first week, but went down hill after that. I was even working out on our elliptical. I am fully aware that I am severly overweight...obese even. I'm not blind...I really have been trying to do something about it, actively now, for over a year. I've had successes, but mostly I've had failure. I went to visit my mom for a few days in November. I was nagging at her about quitting smoking. You see, I used to be a smoker. I only smoked for a few years, but that's a few years too many in my book! I quit in February 2006. I have no desire to start again, and I think you could even call me a smoking snob now. I hate the smell of it, I don't want to be around it, I refuse to bring Mason around it. But anyway, I was driving in the car with my mom, nagging her to quit. I said it was the hardest thing I have done, but was well worth it. Next my mom says, "Now all you have to do is lose weight". Yep. She said it. And I know it wasn't meant to hurt my feelings. But of course it did. It was like a slap in the face. Like I said, I am WELL AWARE of my weight problem. I don't like to be fat. I don't want to be fat. I just haven't had any luck so far with getting it off. My mom is not fat. She's quite the opposite. Very skinny. I obviously didn't get those genes. I think I either offended or annoyed her by telling her to quit smoking, because she said that telling someone to lose weight is just as hard as telling someone to quit smoking. As a former smoker, a former "skinny" person, and a current fat person, that is absolutely NOT true. There's a huge difference.

When people would tell me I should quit smoking, I got annoyed. Obviously I knew that smoking is bad for you. It can kill you. It is expensive. Etc, etc. Telling me to quit smoking didn't hurt my feelings. It didn't make me feel bad about myself and it didn't hurt my self-esteem. When you tell someone they need to lose weight, you will probably hurt their feelings. You will probably also hurt their self-esteem. When it's your mother telling you that you need to lose weight...the person who is supposed to support you and be there for you...it just plain sucks. I've never really discussed in detail with my mom how much weight I've gained, how much I need to lose, my struggles, etc., because she's not fat. She's never been fat. She doesn't understand. Weight has always been an issue in my life, even when I was skinny. My step-dad used to make fun of my weight (when there was no problem) and kids at school used to call me the "big fat hippo". Cruel. But I don't get it...I WASN'T fat then. I'm fat now, and I WISH that my family would have been more helpful and supportive during those years as a child going into my teenage years with a little chub, and told me that it's normal for girls to be taller and have extra "fat" when they're young. Even in high school when I was skinny, I wore t shirts in the pool. Now I don't even like to go near a pool, or any body of water. And I wouldn't, if it weren't for my son.

I don't want to deprive him of having fun and spending time outdoors because I am self conscious of the way I look. So I suck it up and do it anyway.

I have totally gone way off track here....oh, yes, my diet. I have been back on Weight Watchers going on 3 weeks and it's gone well for the most part. I lost 3.6 the first week and 1.6 last week. My goal is to lose 10 lbs. by Christmas. I think I may reach that goal.

So there you have it. An update of the past few months, as well as a ridiculous rant about my childhood, lol. I have an interview to prepare for, as well as some studying to do. I'll try to be better about keeping up with my Blog.

Things to Tell Myself Today

1. I think I can, I think I can...
2. I know I can, I know I can...
3. I want to.
4. I need to.

Now that that's out of the way, **here's to a great week**. Cheers.

A woMAN with a plan...

I have been completely off of WW for the past 2 weeks, eating any and everything in sight. I haven't stepped on a scale either...afraid of what it is going to tell me. I have known that the chaos must stop, and I guess I've been prepping myself....gathering health magazines, healthy recipes, etc. I've been really unorganized the past few weeks and I think that has alot to do with my recent binge. I just started my last semester of classes and they are hard. Harder than I remember my last few semesters being. I don't know if it's the pressure of needing to pass them in order to graduate in December, or what....but I am usually in a groove by now and I'm not. I don't feel prepared for my first exams I'll be taking next week and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe after I take the first exams and know how the tests are set up I will relax a bit and find what schedule works for me...but until then, pray that I pass these first exams!!

As I mentioned, I haven't been planning. So I just a rough list of how I would like to structure my days. Maybe if I type it out, print it and tape it on the fridge, in my bathroom, on the tv....I'll have a better chance of doing what I planned.

Here's my tentative plan:

EXERCISE. (one of my classes is Health Identification and Management, and right now I'm studying heart disease and the causes of it. It's scaring the crap out of me.)
-I plan to do my WATP video 5 times a week. I'll start with the 2 mile and work my way to the 3 mile. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I'm so out of shape, I need to start somewhere. After I have mastered the 3 mile, I will add pilates/yoga 3 times a week.

RELAXATION
-I am going to (try) to get up a few mintues before Mason in the morning so I can stretch, breathe, and just wake up. I will also do this after he goes to bed at night.

STRUCTURE
-I'm going to make sure that Mason gets enough time everyday to practice counting, ABC's, art, reading, etc.
-I will make a list of 3 tasks/chores to get done that day...otherwise nothing gets done!

ME
-I'm going to listen to music everyday. It makes me happy.
-I'm going to take at least 30 min. a day for me; paint my nails, read, take a bath, etc.
-I'm going to plan my meals before I grocery shop for the week so that I don't buy junk.
-I'm going to go to bed by 11pm when possible so I get enough sleep.

I would like to lose 30 lbs. by December....I graduate in December and would like to buy a new dress :)